Can’t wait for Apple’s iPhone 16 event? We’ve got the entire keynote* right here

Excited to know what Apple will announce at the September 9 press event on Monday? Oh boy, have you come to the right place.

Because, in a shocking (yet totally believable) turn of events, Macworld’s hardworking reporters have yet again hit journalistic paydirt. Those absent-minded folk at Cupertino’s marketing department carelessly left the scripts and rehearsal tapes in the bins out back at Apple Park–whoops!–and after wiping off the worst coffee stains we can reveal all the juicy details here.

So here, minute by minute, is everything that will be announced at the ‘It’s Glowtime!’ iPhone event. Possibly. (If you don’t believe this is real, and you probably shouldn’t, you can follow the real event on Monday with our Glowtime live blog.)

Introduction

09:58 a.m.: The pre-stream starts up. Neon shapes dance hypnotically across the screen in time to the toe-tapping sounds of “Third-Quarter Revenue Expectations” by Chief Financial Officer.

10:00: Here we go! As we’ve come to expect, the presentation begins with a swooping camera shot (Is it a drone? Is it CGI?) over Apple Park. The camera comes to rest in front of the famous rainbow sculpture in the bucolic central courtyard, where Tim Cook smilingly welcomes us to a morning of “propaganda and naked consumerism.”

10:01: Today is going to be all about the future, Cook explains. “The time of man is over,” he chuckles, “culture is dead, and art is obsolete. Rejoice as the omnipotent machine consumes your very soul!” Sounds like we’re going to be hearing lots more about Apple Intelligence.

10:03: Apple will be focusing on four key product areas today: the iPhone, the Apple Watch, AirPods, and the iPad. It’s going to be a busy morning!

10:04: “Here’s Jeff to tell you more.”

iPhone 16

10.05: The camera swoops to the lion enclosure of a nearby zoo, where Apple COO Jeff Williams is yawning and eating hunks of raw meat. He winks.

10:06: “Thanks Tim. Here at Apple, we’re proud that iPhone brings so much joy to people around the world. It entertains you. It keeps you safe. And it keeps you in touch with the people you love. That’s why we’re excited to show you the next generation of iPhone! And for the next 11 minutes I’m going to pretend this is the best phone we sell.”

10:08: We’re watching a video of iPhone 16. In most respects, it looks a lot like the iPhone 15, except… ah yes, the twin cameras on the rear are vertically aligned, like on the old iPhone X. Not just a retro touch (and a way for buyers to show off the fact that they’ve upgraded since last year) but better for capturing spatial video for the Vision Pro.

10:10: Confirmation too that the non-Pro models are getting the Action button that was previously limited to the iPhone 15 Pro and 15 Pro Max. And we’re seeing the advertising tagline for the iPhone 16: “Iterating Conservatively For Shareholders’ Benefit™.”

10:11: “We think you’re going to love iPhone 16,” says Williams, “at least for the next six minutes. For example, it features an A18 processor! That sounds good, doesn’t it? But in reality, it’s the same as the A17 Pro chip in last year’s iPhone 15 Pro handsets, only rebranded. Clever, aren’t we?”

10:12: The iPhone 16 will be available in six colors: white, black, blue, green, pink, and octarine. These are exceptionally bright, eye-catching finishes.

10:13: “iPhone 16 will be fully equipped with the latest developments in AI! Thanks to Apple Intelligence, you can generate soulless illustrations of your friends while artists starve. It’s insanely great!”

10:15: Williams holds up his iPhone 16 and shows a gen AI picture of a boot stamping on a human face. The human face has tears in all three of its eyes.

10:16: And on that jolly note, we’re moving on. No word on release dates or pricing just yet.

10:17: We’re watching a promotional video for… yep, it’s iPhone 16 Pro and 16 Pro Max! And these look seriously gorgeous. And they get a new button on the righthand edge–is that the Capture button? Yes! We were expecting that on all four models, but it’s a Pro exclusive.

10:18: The tagline is “Please Spend More Money™.”

10:19: “Forget the stupid, worthless iPhone 16. This is iPhone 16 Pro, a real phone for real consumers. We think you’re going to love it.”

10:20: The 16 Pro handsets are bigger than their predecessors. The 16 Pro has a 6.3-inch display (up from 6.1 inches) while the 16 Pro Max has a 6.9-inch display (up from 6.7 inches). The latter is the biggest screen Apple has ever made for a phone.

10:21: It seems the phones aren’t just bigger for the sake of bigger screens (although Apple is pushing that as a benefit) but also to accommodate bulkier camera hardware. The famous periscope lens is coming to the 16 Pro, having for size reasons been restricted to the larger Pro Max model last year. That means a 5x optical zoom on both Pro phones as of this year.

10:22: But the 16 Pro Max is still extra super duper special, because it now gets a larger 1/1.14-inch sensor, compared to 1/1.28-inch on the 16 Pro. Needless to say, this is the most sophisticated camera Apple has ever released, and you get a nice smartphone attached to it.

10:24: Williams is talking about Apple silicon now. “With more than 20 billion transistors, our all-new A18 Pro chip is so powerful it will make the A18 look like a pathetic worm. It features an upgraded Neural Engine to handle the demands of Apple Intelligence, and frankly, anyone using an iPhone 16 to run Apple Intelligence needs their head examined.”

10:26: We’re rattling through some specs now. The 16 Pro phones have bigger batteries (another benefit of the size increase!) which means they’ll last an hour longer than their respective predecessors.

10:27: The Pro handsets get Wi-Fi 7. We weren’t sure if that would happen so soon after Wi-Fi 6E landed on the iPhone 15 Pro last year, but this is the right decision.

10:28: The iPhone 16 Pro and 16 Pro Max are available in four colors: Sensible Black, Plain White, Somber Gray, and a new Dull Brown.

10:29: And we’re wrapping up! Pricing now: the iPhone 16 starts at $799, the 16 Plus at $899, and the 16 Pro Max at $1,199. Those are all the same as the equivalent models last year. The 16 Pro, though, gets a price bump this year (due to the new inclusion of a periscope lens), and it costs $1,099, up from $999 for the iPhone 15 Pro at launch.

10:30: The new phones are all available to pre-order from this Friday (September 13), and will appear in stores the following Friday (September 20). And we’re moving on, as Tim Cook returns to the virtual stage.

Apple Watch

10:31: “Ten years ago today,” says Cook, twinkling affably, “we unveiled the very first Apple Watch. And so much has changed since then! For example, it now looks slightly different.”

10:32: Apple Watch is about to change more than ever before, Cook says. And Jeff Williams is going to tell us all about it.

10.33: We’re back in the zoo, where Jeff Williams sits astride a mighty ostrich. He leaps off, does a pirouette, and drops down into a perfect lotus position.

10:34: “Apple Watch is the perfect digital companion,” he says. “It’s always with you, it’s intimately acquainted with your health and fitness, it’s easily controlled via the extremely reliable and never annoying Siri voice assistant, and it’s perfectly integrated into Apple’s ecosystem of products. That’s why we decided not to bother putting Apple Intelligence on it.” Yes, this does seem like a strange omission.

10:36: Instead, he says, the next generation of Apple Watch is going to focus on a comprehensive redesign, and upgraded health sensors.

10:37: We’re seeing a promotional video of the new Apple Watch. It looks genuinely different from last year’s Series 9. The chassis is noticeably slimmer, the edges are flatter, and there’s something different about the way the strap is attached. This could be the rumored magnetic attachment.

10:39: And here’s official confirmation that it’s called Apple Watch X. Presumably that will be pronounced “ten,” as was the case for the iPhone X and Mac OS X.

10:40: The watch may be slimmer, but it has a bigger display. As Williams explains, the Apple Watch X is available in 45mm and (matching the Apple Watch Ultra) 49mm sizes, with the old 41mm size retired. This means you can get the benefit of the Ultra’s giant screen without its excessive bulk on the wrist.

10:42: And here’s another major physical change: the Apple Watch gets the customizable Action button that was previously available on the Apple Watch Ultra models only. That’s in addition to the Digital Crown dial and the side button on the righthand edge.

10:44: Williams is talking about health and fitness, which he says is “vital to ensuring dominance over other creatures of the forest and field.” He claims the Apple Watch is the most popular fitness device in the world, and is responsible for saving hundreds of lives thanks to its groundbreaking safety features and ability to offer early health warnings.

10:46: In that spirit, the Apple Watch is getting a new health feature: it’s a blood pressure monitor! This has been the subject of rumors for a long time but we expected it to be postponed to 2025—this is a real coup for Apple.

10:48: Williams is talking about straps now. The new magnetic band locking mechanism is, he says, “easier and quicker to use than any watch attachment system in history.” He expects users to change the strap on their Apple Watch multiple times a week, or to match outfits, moods, and activities. A coincidence, of course, that this will also enable Apple and its partners to sell more accessories.

10:50: “That’s Apple Watch X,” says Williams, “and we think you’re going to love it.”

10.51: We’re moving on rapidly, and what’s this? Promotional video shows what looks like… yes! It’s Apple Watch SE 3. The design appears the same as on the 2nd-gen model, but the finish is somehow different.

10:52: “We know that our customers love Apple Watch SE, so we gave it our full attention. We’ve completely overhauled the design to make it better than ever, and even more affordable. We think you’ve going to love it.”

10:54: Apple Watch SE has been redesigned from the ground up, which means… okay, it’s still basically the same design but it has a plastic body. That doesn’t sound hugely appealing, although Apple has managed to make it look pretty decent. And presumably will mean a lower price.

10:56: All new colors! Apple Watch SE 3 will be available in pink, yellow, neon green, tartan, leopard skin, and the Norwich City home kit from 1992 to 1994.

10:58: The price, we suspect, will be key to the appeal of the new SE, but no word on that just yet, because we’re moving on!

10:59: Promotional video of… yes, it’s the Apple Watch Ultra. No major changes to the design this time. (Or last time, for that matter.)

11:01: Williams says the Ultra gets an all-new processor for this generation: the S10. (Note that this wasn’t mentioned during the Apple Watch X presentation, because there were other things to talk about.) Other than that, “it’s the Ultra you know and love, updated for 2025.”

11:03: Oh, and there’s a new second color option. The Ultra 2 is available in basic titanium only, but the Ultra 3 is also available in a blue titanium finish.

11:04: Right, we’re doing prices now. The all-new Apple Watch SE 3 will start at just $219 for the GPS model, and $259 for the cellular model. That compares to $249/$299 for the 2nd-gen model. Bit of a bargain, that.

11:05: Apple Watch X starts at $399 and Ultra 3 at $799. Those prices are both the same as the previous generations at launch. And the new Apple Watch models will all become available to pre-order on September 13 and hit stores on September 20.

11:07: “Back to you, Tim!”

AirPods and iPad mini

11:08: Tim Cook says the new Apple Watches “are sure to kickstart revenue expectations going forward” and thanks the wearables team for their “invaluable synergy within a hyperlocal snackable paradigm.”

11:09: While we’re talking wearables… Cook is now talking about AirPods. “AirPods are the most iconic headphones on the planet and one of Apple’s most successful ever products. Which is why we hardly ever update them.” He taps the side of his head, nodding sagely.

11:11: But it seems that’s all about to change. “I’d like to introduce the newest member of Apple’s product team. Over to Taylor!”

11:12: Taylor Swift (for it is she) is standing in an engineering lab deep in Apple Park. She’s wearing a lab coat and examining transistors through a microscope. “Thanks, Tim. I’m excited to be here at the unveiling of yet another iconic Apple device. If there’s one thing I love, it’s product marketing. Roll the tape!”

11:14: We’re seeing a promotional video of Swift wearing a pair of AirPods as she goes about her day. Shopping, lunching, meeting record-company executives… all while listening to music and podcasts, and holding phone calls, on her trusty Apple earbuds.

11:15: Official confirmation that Apple is today unveiling the 4th-gen version of its standard AirPods. “We decided to take everything great about AirPods, and make it even better,” says Swift. “We think you’re going to love it.”

11:16: Apple has tweaked the design of the AirPods. They now have shorter stems and resemble a hybrid between the 3rd-gen AirPods and the AirPods Pro.

11:18: The new AirPods also get active noise cancellation, a feature previously exclusive to the AirPods Pro. That’s a big step.

11:19: “When I’m overseeing the edit of my latest award-winning album, I find that there’s nothing better than Apple’s iconic AirPods Max over-ear headphones for delivering sharp audio at a surprisingly low price,” says Swift, visibly reading from a script. “They certainly aren’t laughably outdated. I’m not even sure why someone would say that.”

11:21: Apple is announcing, finally, the 2nd generation of AirPods Max! The first model came out back in December 2020, remember.

11:22: AirPods Max 2 feature a new, lighter design, and support for Apple Music’s lossless audio. The case has been completely redesigned, too, for which we can only say, thank goodness. And they charge via USB-C instead of Lightning.

11:24: Pricing time! The 4th-gen AirPods will cost $189 with the MagSafe charging case (a small price bump compared to $179 for the 3rd-gen model). The 2nd-gen AirPods Max cost $599. Ouch.

11:25: “And now,” says Taylor, “it’s over to Jeff for the latest iPad news.”

11:26: “Thanks Taylor,” says Jeff Williams, who is sitting in a tree in the monkey enclosure. “Big fan.”

11:27: Williams says the iPad is the leading tablet in the world, and he’s been excited to see the response to the new iPad Air and Pro earlier this year. “So we wanted to bring that same excitement to the iPad mini.”

11:28: Promotional video time. The new iPad mini looks very much like the old iPad mini. (And it really is old. The 6th-gen iPad mini came out in September 2021.) No new design today.

11:30: This is potentially interesting, though: the mini is getting an M-class processor for the first time! It’s getting a bump from the A15 to the M1. That leaves the 10th-gen iPad as the last A-class holdout in the iPad range. (The Air has M2 and the Pro has M4.)

11:31: The iPad also gets a bump in RAM allocation, from 4GB to 8GB. This is all part of a push to make it Apple Intelligence-ready.

11:32: Apple is also unveiling a new version of the Magic Keyboard Folio in the mini’s size.

11:33: And that’s it. Williams says the new iPad mini will hit stores on September 20, and start at $499. That’s the same as before.

11:34: “That’s iPad mini. We think you’re going to love it. Back to you, Tim.”

One more thing…

11:35: Tim Cook is wrapping things up now. He’s talking about the important products we’ve seen today, and how much they’re going to improve customers’ lives “and generate value for the shareholders, which is the important thing.”

11:36. I guess that’s it. Except…

11:37: Wow, it’s time for One More Thing! We’re going back to Taylor Swift.

11:38: “Thanks Tim. Now, if there’s one thing I care about, it’s getting value for money on entry-level consumer products. And Apple is the place to come to for budget-friendly gadgets.”

11:39: Cut to yet another video. (What is that now, eight?!) It shows Swift attending a Hollywood party while wearing another pair of AirPods!

11:40: “Introducing… AirPods SE. Not Quite As Good, But Cheaper™.”

11:41: The AirPods SE replace the 2nd-gen AirPods in Apple’s lineup. They cost just $99. Wow!

11:42: They launch “this fall.” No more detail than that.

11:43: Back to Cook, who wraps up, including giving his thanks to Luca Maestri (the outgoing CFO) for all his hard work over the years. And we really are done.